on a more serious note...

WARNING:  The blog is usually a happy place....full of fun photos and cute kids and gardens and craftiness.  And while the moral of the story is a happy one, this particular post may require tissues.  

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For whatever reason, today has been an emotional day.  

I don't usually share the goings-on of my brain....because frankly, who gives a care.  This blog is a place to document the fun our family is having as our kids grow.  A scrapbook for a long-lost-scrapbooker with little hope of ever catching up.  

But today has been highly emotional.  

I read of a young woman who lost her husband recently to his battle with cancer.  Valerie (http://www.beinthemomentphoto.com/blog/) and her husband were high school sweethearts and have two small children.  She blogs beautifully.....candid and transparent about these first days following her husbands death.  

She's so real.  

She could be any of us.  

I immediately feel more grateful for my family than maybe I ever have before.  And I needed a good dose of that following a week of caring for a house full of people who were sick in the grossest of ways.  I was drained...and showing my lack of grace toward my beautiful family.

After reading her story this morning I've been just...overcome with grief.

I grieve for my dad....like someone ripped the bandaid off a fresh wound.  

I grieve for my mother....who lost her husband to cancer and had 3 children at home.

I grieve for my brother and sister...who didn't get to spend more time with their Daddy.

I grieve for one of my best friends in the world.....who lost her husband unexpectedly 2 years ago...while pregnant.  She's now a single mom to an amazing little boy and girl.  

I just....grieve.  

All the loved ones lost.  All the pain and tears.  

But each time I've buckled under my tears and emotions today, God has comforted me.  He always has.

In reading through Valerie's posts i was struck by her need to connect to her husband...even after his passing.  She calls herself "crazy" as she describes the little moments when she has experienced him over recent days.  Events that bring her peace and some sort of closure.  

She is not crazy.  I know these moments well.  I could write on and on about how full moons have been God's way of letting us feel connected to Dad over the years. My Dad loved to fish beneath a full moon.  And he loved to moon people....well, "pretend" moon people.  (But that's another story.)  Full moons remind us of him and they are always in the sky on the most important of days.  

- 1996 state softball tournament.  I made a game saving catch in right field in the semis.  And we won the tournament.  Full moon.

- The first Christmas we spent without Dad at home in 1996.  Giant full moon with a beautiful glowing ring around it.  It was the first Christmas Eve full moon in 46 years.

- Our first family vacation to Destin, Fl.  Full moon.  

- My wedding day (at 4pm on a sunny day in January).  Moon.

- My sister's high school graduation.  (I might add that it was cloudy and rainy....right before she walked the clouds parted.) Cold chills. Full moon.

- My brother's senior year.  He was in the high school band.  Parent's night at the football game.  Full moon.

                        {from Etsy...Naoko Stoop's shop.}

There are many more moon stories.  None of these events were planned in coordination with a full moon.  We never think about it much.  It's just always there... and we gasp.  We feel God's presence...and we feel my Dad.  It's become such a "freaky" thing that when my mom found a website once that had decades worth of full moon dates, she searched for the full moon day for October 1953....Dad's birth month.  Would you believe he was born on the day of the full moon?  True story.  

I've also had moments with my dad through song.  We used to sing all the time.  "The Bear Necessities" at bedtime.  "My Buddy" in the car on the way to school.  And "You Are My Sunshine".  It's the one that stands out the most.  I sing it to my kids thinking of him every single time.  

                         {from Etsy....PrettySmitten's shop.}

On the day I had a DNC for my first pregnancy, I woke at home after surgery with tears in my closed eyes.  I didn't want to open them and face the fact that there had most definitely been a miscarriage.  The television in my bedroom had been turned to a satellite music station while I slept.  When I woke I heard "You Are My Sunshine" playing softly on the TV.  It was like a hug from my Dad in a very difficult moment.  

And tonight, after this highly emotional day and with silent tears flowing after I tucked Ella in bed, I stepped into the hallway to find my sweet boy playing in his room with his trains.  I had just prayed my heart out as I stood over Ella's crib.  "....God, I miss my Dad. I know it's been a long time, but I do.  And my kids will never hug him and that sucks."  

But as I closed her door I heard Miles singing down the hall..... 

"You are my sunshine,

My only sunshine,

You make me happy when skies are gray."

God is my comfort and my peace.  He's given me this day to more deeply appreciate my family.  And He gives me those "moments" as a sweet taste of the hope I have in Him.